Accidental Feminists - Review

"Accidental Feminists" is me! I truly wish I had been asked to write my story for this book (but I wasn't). Jane Caro is one year younger than me, and very similar to my history... well, the 'normal' side of it. I didn't go to private schools - I went to very good state schools (Hamilton, New Zealand: Melville Primary, Melville Intermediate and Melville High School). So did everyone in my family.

Chapter 3 wrote about "Dutiful daughters, wives, mothers and grandmothers", and I remember them all! Dad's mum was widowed and didn't remarry. Mum's mum had walked away from the domestic violence in her first marriage and remarried into a wonderful home. Mum married and started with a boy, who ended up very young (3 months old) in hospital where he stayed for a year - nearly dying more than once. Mum had worked before she got married, but didn't work in paid employment any more, yet she was on the disabled board for my brother. Dad was a carpenter, and with one disabled son and four normal girls he supported the whole family.

Caro wrote about attending church when she was very young (she sang 'All things bright and beautiful...' which I sang too). Caro left church and became atheist - so did I.

Caro went to university. So did I, but I didn't finish the degree because I didn't see the value of it way back then. I did a Post Grad Diploma at CQU six years ago, when I was 56. Perhaps that should count now, but I no longer use OHS because I can't. My story, not Caro's.

When I had my two children, the first one was pushed out under epidural. The second one was born in a different hospital - Taupo - which didn't have epidural, so I gave birth after so much pain and a lot of screaming. I'd felt pretty stupid then, but I've heard the same births so many times, usually on tv. Caro and I only had two children each. Very good on you Caro - we certainly didn't need any more than that... except I have read too many stories about HUGE families in churches. Why, for Pete's sake??

I am now 62 - 63 this year. I am an 'invalid', I am a 'madwoman', I have 'hysterics' and I'm still looked on as 'the weaker sex'. In fact, before I had my stroke 5 years ago I was fired from the company I'd worked for, for 7 years. A very different manager, he was. Not a 'good' manager, but he was male.

Caro wrote of women out-living men, especially these days. I don't think that's good for me because I live alone, now, and I couldn't live alone for another 30 years! Caro wrote about 'Invisibility v Independence'. She said that "[f]eminism may be an incomplete project, but it has never been as influential or as powerful as it is today." I truly wish that was right.

Well written, Jane Caro.

Oh My My Oma

Oma is – or was – a cyclone. It was – is – still a German name for Grandmother and Grandfather – see the Quora post about this. But I’m looking at the cyclone, and I’m a bit upset with it! 

This morning I looked up the BOM, hoping that the rain they had predicted would come today. But I found out that Oma had turned on itself, and was heading back out to sea, moving north-northwest. Very frustrating! Yes, but would I call this cyclone onto mainland? Well, no, but the very edge of it was supposed to cause 70-80% rain in Brissie. Now it’s not.

 

Many areas up north in Queensland had floods, and more than half a million animals died. ABC reported about the group of men who had chosen this job, helping the farmers. SBS reported that Defence personnel arrived around Townville to help evacuate people and clean up. I truly hope that Townsvillers – at least – gets back inside their homes quickly rather than waiting for insurance. I still have memories of the similar floods in SEQ 8 years ago.

Yet this year Brisbane had highest temperatures on record and only 20% of the average rain in January. February was dry, according to Accu Weather, and only had 5 days throughout the whole month which met the previous history temperatures. Two thirds of the month was hotter.

Courier Mail titled their 2014 article with “Southern Queensland and northern NSW’s worst drought in 113 years”. 

97.3 said in October 2018 that Australia “could enter mega drought lasting 20-years”. 

The Conversation, also October 2018, said that “recent Australian droughts may be the worst in 800 years”.

In 2015 BOM had a map of the Millennium Drought which showed deciles between 2001 and 2009: much less rain than any of that time. It compared La Nina with El Nino. La Nina is a rainfall system and El Nino leads to drought. Whilst La Nina rained excessively throughout Aus in 2010 and 2011, El Nino seems to have taken over again. At the end of their article they wrote “In the longer term, large year to year rainfall variability is expected against a background state which is expected to further change through time.” Climate change? They seemed to know this back in 2015 – maybe all the population should read about it now!

So why am I frustrated with Oma? I watched the ABC weather reports, and the people didn’t seem to know any more about what was happening with this cyclone. They are very good weather people, and this is the first time I can remember that any of them have said this: that this cyclone might come over the shore or might turn back on itself. Oma, what have you done? Are you working with La Nina or El Nino? Will we still be under a drought and will it get worse? When can we expect some rain?

Can you please tell me? 

(Song Oh My My by nomad, giving me the title of this post: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWXIsmftqIc) 

 

What's still happening?

I wrote this post back in December 2016, and it was also published on my LinkedIn, but it seems no-one really cared about what was happening back then. Except, it's still happening. There is an election this year. The Australian public needs to vote the best government to manage us and our affairs, not doing things they just want. The latest independents are re-steering the government, and yes, they are thinking of the future!

I recommend you read this again, and think about it a lot. This world is changing dreadfully. WE can fix it!

https://whacksworks.blogspot.com/2016/12/what-happens-next.html

Keep talking

This was my last post to my blog, aneurysm aphorisms. I’m pretty sure there’s a reason for that... I had written in it that “Sometimes I stutter, sometimes I forget my words, sometimes I just shut up.” That was written on 16 March 2016, nearly three years ago, and two years after my stroke. 

I don’t know of any aphasia group around Redbank or Springfield. I had joined a STEPs group in Mango Hill when I lived up that way, as well as the aphasia group. Two and a half years ago, when I moved into Bethania and Eagleby I went to a Logan aphasia group which met at the Logan library. It was not what I wanted to be ‘involved’ in – people with aphasia given ‘classes’ by speech pathologists. I needed something more for a person, preferable just me. I also joined a STEPs group which had lunch in Fitzy’s at Waterford, but I couldn’t afford to go so I quietly walked away. I joined a STEPs group in Gold Coast but I only went there twice – too far.

Am I so damned negative now???

AAA provided a link to a video which was provided by Dr Paul Zimmermann, in USA, who had a stroke with aphasia 6 years ago. I watched that this morning and felt so... uncomfortable with my language. It’s a heck of a lot better than Dr Z’s, but it’s not where I used to be before my stroke and aphasia. 

AAA also gave a link to a Perth tv program about the VERSE aphasia recovery program, only set up recently. The gentleman interviewed talked so much better than me!! I would love to do that... is it available in Brisbane?? 

What am I doing for myself? I belong to a support group (not a stroke group, but very good for disabled people and those with mental health) called Upbeat Arts. The header on their website includes the theatrical group which I’m not in. I’m in the choir, Absolutely Everybody. I used to go to Streetbeat, the percussion group which met on Wednesdays, but last year I gave that up when my dog died in March, my daughter-in-law died in April and I was made redundant from my 10 hours a week recovery work at the end of June. 2018 was an annus horribilis year for me. Streetbeat has stopped now. This year I have joined the Creative Writing group, and later this month I’m joining the latest group (all part of Upbeat Arts) for songwriters... I have even tried songwriting before today – I would love to make a success of it!

Fairly recently (towards the end of last year) I went to a university talk up at The Edge at the State Library of Queensland (SLQ), called A Stroke of Foundation, presented by Dr Lavinia Codd. At age 31 she had a stroke (doesn’t mention aphasia), but she has completed her Bachelor of Science for her cognitive recovery, went on to complete her PhD at UQ's Queensland Brain Institute and she now has an Advancement role at QBI. One thing got into my mind and kept me trying to stop being negative was that she had a stroke and has fully recovered!! Good on her. 

I’m halfway behind her. I’m into my second year of BA (not sure if I am majoring in Literature or in Journalism, I’ll wait and see what I enjoy) and sometimes feel positive and other times feel negative. Writing certainly helps me.

I’ll ask again... am I so negative now? I don’t want to be. I have a history of bad memories before my stroke which, too often, kept me down: I need to fight them. Living alone, being alone is not good for a person who needs to recovery fully, but I don’t know if I ever will. Perhaps, yes, I am still so negative, but I need to become much, much more positive.

Help me, if you can! 

Too hot 'holidays'

My last post was in 2018... I hadn't even thought about that! I haven't had days I dislike, or days I love. I haven't been excited, or felt angry. I haven't gotten drunk - nor have I under-drunk. I don't overeat but I am still putting on weight because I don't do anything.

I don't even know where I am supposed to be!

Brake hard, reverse to the start and think of this again, lady! My last post was in 2018... and now I have thought about that. So far this year, 16th day of 2019, I haven't even done any exercise... well, apart from one day when I was in a building in which a lift was being repaired and I chose to walk down 13 flights of stairs rather than wait... I keep myself inside my unit - the whole unit area which includes outside behind a fence and behind a gate... and I very rarely go out. Like, out to shops. I wouldn't go to a movie because that would cost too much. Nothing else to choose. Too hot to go to anywhere open, like any beach.

Actually, last Friday I went in to the choir practice which was set for half way through the holidays, because other people like me can't deal with long, hot, lonely days. I enjoyed the practice, but that's where I was when the lift was being repaired and I was the only one who chose to walk down the 13 flights of stairs. I didn't do any more exercise since that, and I paid with the sore muscles in my legs. I really need to do more...

So what am I? Who am I? Who knows me? Do you care? Do I care? I feel invisible. Even doing my BA, I feel invisible. I don't know anyone else in the class, even though I've had to make some comments on other people's posts. How do you make yourself visible? I might have understood that years ago, but since my stroke I seem to have vanished inside myself.

Sometimes I enjoy being alone in my unit. This morning I watched the 2006 series 7 from Prime Suspect which is part of my essay, assessment 3, which isn't due until later in February. I don't need to watch anything when I have company. Which I will not ever have at my own unit. Which I probably should stop talking about because it won't be anything that depresses you or you would like to talk about it. DSP doesn't pay much, and in fact Aussie is losing money. Look that up.

Why am I posting on the 16th day of January 2019? I guess that's just because I feel silly for not posting anything recently, like on New Year's Day or very soon after that. I've had this blog for 6 years coming up to 7 years, since late 2012. It's my writing, my love about my life... and my dislike for growing older with no choice. I thought about stopping it. I don't have many readers, but why should I care? Well yes, I know that I care, sometimes. 5 years since my stroke, 5 years with aphasia. Five years five years five years...

It's 3 days since I ran out of my wine cask, and I wish I had a drink today. I might just go buy another cask tomorrow. Thank you for reading...

Fantasy reading

Recently, for my course, I got a book from Nathan’s Griffith university library called “A Passion for Narrative”, by Jack Hodgins (1993 and 2001) and started to read it last week. I’d got that one because the course said it was ‘required reading’: I didn’t think, before I started it, that it would make sense to me. I read quite a few pages of the book, and put it down for a rest, started thinking about books I used to read, and drifted into the fantasy reading which enchanted me over many years ago.

As a child I read Enid Blyton’s The Magic Faraway Tree, J. M. Barrie’s Peter Pan, C. S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia and Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

When I was a young adult I bought a trilogy called Lord of the Rings, written by J. R. R. Tolkein, which still sits on my bookshelf – one of my most favourites. Sometimes I wished I had bought an ‘original’, because it was certainly valuable to me!

The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever by Stephen R. Donaldson was the fantasy series I started reading in the early 1980s. I bought a trilogy, which started with Lord Foul's Bane (written in 1977), The Illearth War (1978) and The Power that Preserves (1979). Later in the 1980s I read The Second Chronicles of Thomas Covenant as separate books, including The Wounded Land (written 1980), The One Tree (1982) and White Gold Wielder (1983). I didn’t know until today that a third series was published in the 2000s - I think I need to get those four!

By the time I finished Donaldson’s trilogy I was captivated with other fantasies. David Eddings The Belgariad series had five books that I loved. I soaked all that in and went onto his five books of The Mallorean. All those books vanished off my shelves, yet I still have the three books of The Elenium.

I started reading dragon novels: most of those in my collection were written by Anne McCaffrey. Many dragon books exist now, and Eragon, written by Christopher Paolini – a young writer when he started in his teenage years – has become the era of ‘modern’ dragon writers, such as Elizabeth A. Lynn’s Dragon’s Winter in 1998 and Dragon’s Treasure in 2003, and Naomi Novik’s 2006 trilogy called Temeraire.

In the last 15 years I moved away from fiction and started collecting my non-fiction, which takes up most of my shelves these days. However, recently I looked up fantasy books in Google, wondering what I could be reading now... A friend of mine had collected so many books from Terry Pratchett, but I hadn’t read any of them. Marion Zimmer Bradley showed up: I had read one of her fantasies, such as The Mists of Avalon yet she wrote so much that I haven’t read enough from her – maybe I should. Raymond E. Feist, Stephen King and R. A. Salvatore ring a bell in my memory, but they were never my favourites. King also wrote horrors along with his fantasies, but I stopped reading him a while ago... horrors turn me off!

It’s nearly five years since my stroke. Before that I read every day, nowadays I don’t, but I have found fantasies which I remember and which I know I loved. I don’t think I could re-read them, but I think I need to go into a book store and see if I can find anything on my very long list with a price I can afford!

Merry Christmas to me...

And to you!

Still disabled

I still belong to quite a few stroke or brain aneurysm Facebook pages, 4.5 years after I had my stroke. Stroke is looked on as brain injury – ABI (Acquired Brain Injury) or TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) - and I don’t ever disagree with that. In fact I absolutely agree with it, because it is definitely something injured inside my brain.

STEPS (Skills to Enable People and CommunitieS) had this blog story printed on their FB page, and I decided to print it in my blog, because there are so many things that the author spoke about which reminded me of myself.

I talk about my stroke and aphasia when I first meet someone. It’s not an excuse; it means the same to me as anyone else I have gotten to know who has had a stroke, even with aphasia.

“I might look uninjured, and mostly act uninjured, but it is an unequivocal fact that I have brain damage.” Brooke Knisley said this; it means the same to me.

“…since my brain damage mostly exhibits itself in subtle ways, it’s easier for even smart people to brush off my trauma as an ‘excuse’ than to put themselves in my shoes.” Knisley said this; it means the same to me.

“I relearned how to …  overcome a paralyzed vocal cord,” said Knisley; it means the same to me. I have aphasia. For the first long months I couldn’t talk at all the way I used to. I often still can’t make conversation.

“Eventually, though, the symptoms of my brain damage faded away,” Knisley said, and I thought that she had recovered. Yet she also said “they became easy to overlook, even if my brain itself was still damaged and healing.” That was me too; my recovery is still ongoing, 4.5 years after my stroke. Except I don’t think I will ever fully recover.

And this was what she said which really got to me, because she even mentioned aphasia. “I often struggled to find words and found myself tongue-tied. I’d mean to say one thing, and say the other, or else smash together two unrelated words into a nonsensical portmanteau. People corrected me all the time, and if I struggled or stuttered mid-sentence, they’d attempt to finish my sentences for me… often incorrectly. For someone who prided herself on her ability of self-expression, my aphasia mortified me.” I think of aphasia as mine, even though I do know that many other people also have aphasia.

I really hope you will read this, because Brooke Knisley’s story is so much like mine. We had different causes for our brain injuries, but they are so similar.

So similar.