Today I've felt that I am heading back up now. This was due to some huge "thank you's" to some of my friends who understood what I was asking for and were able to give me some helpful information.
A couple of days ago I had received a registration notice for my car, but I had no cash. I shuffled through my own thoughts: what would I do? Could I go into Centrelink and get the funds? Should I cancel my car insurance which is $46 every month? Would TMR accept payment? Should I park my car up and just go on the bus from now on? If I save something over the next few months would I be able to pay it some time? When would that come?
This wasn't the major oppression in my depression, I hadn't really thought about it. I'd really just thought of cancelling it because I wasn't able to pay for it. But it certainly took over my thoughts this evening, and I put a request out on Facebook to friends. I really had no idea if they even had money. A lovely few of my friends apologised to me that they couldn't help me.
And then I got a suggestion - did I have a Pensioner Concession Card, because if so I was entitled to a discount. Another person gave me some other suggestions. My brain began to work!! I went into TMR on internet and found a form, F3937, which I was able to fill out. I'll be headed into TMR tomorrow to see just what a "discount" adds up to. How didn't I know this?? Why is it so very hard for me to be on DSP from Centrelink? That, I'm sure, I'll never really know. But it's something I have been able to think about, and tomorrow I can fix it!
The other thing which came to me was earlier today, when my daughter came to talk to me. She hadn't been here for 2 weeks, had been very angry at me, but I kept saying to her that she didn't understand me and didn't understand my stroke. This morning was supposed to end well, but unfortunately it didn't. I am disappointed with her, but I am so very disappointed in myself that I wasn't able to talk to her. In June last year her partner's mother died from cancer. I had come home from PA Hospital in June, after six and a half weeks there, after my brain aneurysm and my stroke. I had wanted to go to the funeral then, but I couldn't. I know that I got angry at them, but that was very much against them not understanding me and was certainly not against them feeling so sad about this. I know that I couldn't really say my words or make myself understood, but way back then it was just too much and I would shut off.
My daughter has so much work to do. It used to be for me, and last year it was for me, but now it is just for her partner. I understand this, yet all I wanted to do was talk to her. I ended up kicking her out because, again, I couldn't feel that she could understand me.
All I need to say right now is "I am sorry". I should not have made her go, and now I don't think she'll be back. I earned this and I feel so sad, but maybe I cried myself out today. I think I will live in a dream of the future which will, one day, include her again.
I love her. I always will.
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