Depression exists...

Depression is life threatening. WebMD describes depression as feeling “sad, lonely, or depressed at times”, and “a normal reaction to loss, life's struggles, or an injured self-esteem”. Yet it tells how depression can take over our lives, becoming “overwhelming, involve physical symptoms, and last for long periods of time”. The Australian Blue Pages Depression Information says that it can keep you from leading a normal, active life, running you down, driving you to fatigue, leading you to thoughts of suicide.

 

I know this. In April 2014 I had a brain aneurysm operation which followed with a stroke which has debilitated me. I live alone, and sometimes with no contact from my family and friends, no visits, my depression takes over me. I shut myself in my home, I don’t know what I could do, I cry, I sleep. WebMD said that I could lose “interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable”. It said that I could have “overeating or appetite loss”. I knew all this, but I didn’t know what was happened to me. All I understood was that my emotion dived.

For the last 6 months I have been the administrator for Brain AneurysmSupport Australia (BASA) on Facebook. Sometimes this has been my real world. I Google information on BA’s, post so much stuff on BASA, every day. Even when I felt very depressed keeping up the BASA site just kept me alive.

And my dog needed me. I couldn’t kill myself if she was still alive. She is 13 years old, has OCD (Osteochondritis Dissecans) which is fairly common in the shoulders of larger dogs, and she has a real obvious limp. When I got to the real bottom of my depression I wouldn’t even take her out for a walk, convincing myself that she had problems with her shoulders and couldn’t walk.

My depression goes up and down, and recently the bottom was the biggest problem. Being alone seemed to keep me alive because my dog didn’t have anyone else to live with her. But I know that, if I had really wanted to commit suicide, being alone would work for me. No-one could stop me.

My mind doesn’t work anymore the way that it used to. After my brain aneurysm, after I found out I had a stroke in my left frontal lobe which affected my language, took a long time for me to understand that I no longer have my good intelligence. Do you know what Mensa is? 40 years ago I’d tested for it and got in. My intelligence score got me into 1%. I was even close to Albert Einstein (he was estimated at more than 190). After that test I didn’t tell anyone. I have always had my certificate and my Mensa t-shirt, but I did that test just for me. I have always thought very fast, spoken well, understood most things I looked into. Now I don’t. Now my stroke affected my language and my memory. I was never “successful” (read my history, if you are interested), but I did so many things, went around in circles trying to fit in with people.

I danced Israeli folk dances. I worked backstage in the theatre. I learned how to set up and run a small café. I read. I wrote. I drew. I rode motorbikes. I played chess. I learned how to create website way back when the internet was first introduced. I did woodcraft stuff – I still have my own chess table which I made. I took my kids to ice skating and planned end-of-year shows, even with the ice hockey kids. I swam, went to gyms, went on treadmills, lifted weights, loved Body Combat.

And I never left New Zealand, until 10 years ago. I came here after meeting my second husband, honeymooned in Brisbane, and fell in love with the place with such a better temperature than NZ. I had brought many of my dreams over here. I read. I wrote. I drew. I rode motorbikes. I played chess. I created websites. I swam, went to gyms, went on treadmills, lifted weights, loved Body Combat. How different was this?

So many of my dreams have now fallen away. After my husband began to act differently I gave up riding my motorbikes. I no longer played chess. I gave up gyms. After my brain aneurysm operation I have backed away from books, and I no longer write as much as I used to. These days my only real dream is to run my own two websites and three blogs, but so often I just can’t say anything which seems important to me.

Yesterday I took on something which I truly hope will run my depression out of my body. I have applied for a Diploma of Web Development. I already know so much that I will do on this course, but this course will give me a certificate. It is only here, in Australia, that I feel uneducated. It took me two and a half years in my last job to get my Graduate Diploma of Occupational Health & Safety, but I know, now, that I can’t work that. I had done WHS for 7 years, but now I realise that I can’t remember much of the stuff I learned. So now I am going to get a new qualification, and I will be marketing my websites, designed for other people. Yes, I know I can do this.

My depression is real, not just something that I think about when I go downhill. For me, it was caused by the brain aneurysm operation and subsequent stroke, and that is so unfair for me. WebMD says that treatment can include medicines (antidepressants) and psychotherapy. The rules in Australia only allow a person to see their psychotherapist for 10 sessions, and very recently I finished with mine, so I can’t get help, but I am on my way up and I understand what happened. Now, if I can keep myself busy, if I can talk to other people instead of shutting myself into my home alone, I might just stay alive.

Have a wonderful life yourself.