Maybe it’s
human nature to want to “belong”, to “fit in”.
So what happens when we don’t?
I think, in
one way or another, I’ve always been trying to “fit in”. I’ve been a member of many different groups –
Master Swimmers, Hamilton Operatic Society, Waikato Ice Skating Club, NZ Motor
Caravan Association, Ulysses, Safety Institute of Australia – and every time I join
a group I get involved. I’ll take on anything. I’ve been secretary, treasurer, event organizer,
web page designer, newsletter editor, envelope stuffer, waiter, chief cook and
bottle washer. And vocal supporter and
noisy fan.
And perhaps
that’s my problem – I don’t seem able to be “just a member”. Trouble is, groups are always bemoaning the
lack of volunteers and how the bulk of work ends up in the laps of a few, so I’ve
always wanted to do my share. And yet, it
seems the more I do the less I am accepted.
It’s as if I offer to do something no-one else seems to want to do, and
I’m side-lined because I do that. What
is that about?
Yes, I’m
passionate. Yes, I’m outspoken. Yes, I can be obnoxious. So what makes me so different to everyone
else on this planet?
Maybe I’m
finally tired of trying to fit in. It’s
a demoralising feeling to be somewhere you’re known and yet to 99.9% of people
you’re not visible, not even when they are looking directly at you. Or maybe that is through you. No eye contact,
no recognition, no acknowledgement.
I’m not a
forward person – quite the opposite, I’m not at all secure in myself. I’ve
never been good at small talk. Perhaps
that’s an extension of feeling like I don’t fit in – why would anyone be
interested in what I have to say? So
often I don’t say anything, and that seems to be taken the wrong way. Or I jump in feet first with a full-on discussion
or debate, and that’s taken the wrong way too. I shouldn't care, but I do.
So I'll just talk with my fingers, write it here where I can be free with my thoughts and I don’t
give a crap if anyone reads it or not, or if they agree or even
understand.
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