Pick yourself up and put yourself back together

I wrote a post on my blog recently, 9 April 2017, which talked about my attempted suicide and where that had come from. It also talked about what I still feel.

Tonight, Wednesday 19 April 2017, I watched an ABC program called “You can't ask that”, which had some suicide survivors who talked about what happened to them. Each of them had attempted suicide years before and were still alive, but much of what they said was what I could relate to. Suicide, they said, is the result of depression, anxiety, guilt – you don't give a shit about yourself.

One said that he'd had a job with prestige, but when he lost it the existence had no real meaning. I totally related to that. That was mentioned in my 9 April post. Another said he's carried shit for 48 years. I absolutely related to that, from my rape when I was 17. That's the story on my rape website. “It makes sense to kill yourself,” they said. “Make the pain stop!” Yes, I related. Like too many other people I saw no future for myself, no chance. Death didn't scare me, I wanted peace. One of them said that they attempted suicide because they were more afraid of life than death. Yes, I knew that. 

The next question asked if there were any signs you were going to kill yourself, and did you tell anyone? No, I didn't leave a message that I was trying to kill myself, but I sent a message to my daughter to look after Jordie. She figured out what I was doing. She contacted a friend and they got the ambulance come to pick me up. Later she came all the way to the village and picked up Jordie.

Beyond Blue has a page on their website titled “Finding your way back”. It says: “Getting your life back on track after attempting suicide is not easy. It takes time to recover physically and emotionally.” Down that page it has a section titled “Before heading home”, which says: “With the right support in place you should be able to go home.” I was released from the hospital just after midday the day after I'd been taken there by ambulance. I didn't have any assistance to get back to my home – no ambulance, no taxi, no supporter. I walked to the train station and caught the train to Bethania, and walked into the village. Where I was treated dreadfully by the site manager.

My daughter lives too far away to be too close to. I still suffer depression - horrible, deep depression. Many people pretended it never happened. I have lost more friends – those who could have stayed with me but I don't even hear from them. I joined the Suicide Prevention Australia and wrote to them about my problem. I thought, maybe, I'd get someone calling me. No-one has. I already knew, on my post on 9 April 2017, that they aren't “real”.

But please, don't tell me – or them – that we were stupid. We can't undo what we tried. You need to help us. Me. 

Did I think I was selfish and cowardly? No, definitely not. How would I disappoint people with my future? I don't know. I have been through medication and therapy for years – Prozac in New Zealand and Lovan in Australia, in and out with psychologists before I even moved to Australia, and again over here. I wrote in my post that I suffered from PTSD, anxiety, stress, and depression, all caused from rape, two marriage breakdowns, losing three homes, losing my grandchildren, losing my job, suffering a stroke. That's over 40 years. 40 years!! I'm still in the abyss. All alone.

One woman on the ABC program said she has a beautiful support network. Why can't I?

A website I had found said in Google that it was a “supportive community of survivors”. I am angry about this website, because on the welcome page it doesn't explain what it means until further down it says that it's there for people who lost a person to suicide. They are called survivors, when people like me who attempted suicide are called survivors. They have a “Survivor Experience” page which is not about real survivors, but people who have lost someone! What shocked me absolutely was the forum post from a person who said that her sister had attempted suicide, yet the administrator, 'Hazel', said “Unfortunately, this forum is designed to support those who have lost someone to suicide. Many in our community are severely traumatised and not in a position to support, or give advice to those struggling with suicidal ideation. ” Excuse me?? This website is USELESS for too many people! It describes themselves WRONG – they are not survivors; they are grievers!

I am a survivor!

Do I regret not dying? No. Yes. I don't know. Do I feel great alive? I don't know! I am a survivor, but too many people don't even recognise that.

Music is my best life. What else is there?