Pick yourself up and put yourself back together

I wrote a post on my blog recently, 9 April 2017, which talked about my attempted suicide and where that had come from. It also talked about what I still feel.

Tonight, Wednesday 19 April 2017, I watched an ABC program called “You can't ask that”, which had some suicide survivors who talked about what happened to them. Each of them had attempted suicide years before and were still alive, but much of what they said was what I could relate to. Suicide, they said, is the result of depression, anxiety, guilt – you don't give a shit about yourself.

One said that he'd had a job with prestige, but when he lost it the existence had no real meaning. I totally related to that. That was mentioned in my 9 April post. Another said he's carried shit for 48 years. I absolutely related to that, from my rape when I was 17. That's the story on my rape website. “It makes sense to kill yourself,” they said. “Make the pain stop!” Yes, I related. Like too many other people I saw no future for myself, no chance. Death didn't scare me, I wanted peace. One of them said that they attempted suicide because they were more afraid of life than death. Yes, I knew that. 

The next question asked if there were any signs you were going to kill yourself, and did you tell anyone? No, I didn't leave a message that I was trying to kill myself, but I sent a message to my daughter to look after Jordie. She figured out what I was doing. She contacted a friend and they got the ambulance come to pick me up. Later she came all the way to the village and picked up Jordie.

Beyond Blue has a page on their website titled “Finding your way back”. It says: “Getting your life back on track after attempting suicide is not easy. It takes time to recover physically and emotionally.” Down that page it has a section titled “Before heading home”, which says: “With the right support in place you should be able to go home.” I was released from the hospital just after midday the day after I'd been taken there by ambulance. I didn't have any assistance to get back to my home – no ambulance, no taxi, no supporter. I walked to the train station and caught the train to Bethania, and walked into the village. Where I was treated dreadfully by the site manager.

My daughter lives too far away to be too close to. I still suffer depression - horrible, deep depression. Many people pretended it never happened. I have lost more friends – those who could have stayed with me but I don't even hear from them. I joined the Suicide Prevention Australia and wrote to them about my problem. I thought, maybe, I'd get someone calling me. No-one has. I already knew, on my post on 9 April 2017, that they aren't “real”.

But please, don't tell me – or them – that we were stupid. We can't undo what we tried. You need to help us. Me. 

Did I think I was selfish and cowardly? No, definitely not. How would I disappoint people with my future? I don't know. I have been through medication and therapy for years – Prozac in New Zealand and Lovan in Australia, in and out with psychologists before I even moved to Australia, and again over here. I wrote in my post that I suffered from PTSD, anxiety, stress, and depression, all caused from rape, two marriage breakdowns, losing three homes, losing my grandchildren, losing my job, suffering a stroke. That's over 40 years. 40 years!! I'm still in the abyss. All alone.

One woman on the ABC program said she has a beautiful support network. Why can't I?

A website I had found said in Google that it was a “supportive community of survivors”. I am angry about this website, because on the welcome page it doesn't explain what it means until further down it says that it's there for people who lost a person to suicide. They are called survivors, when people like me who attempted suicide are called survivors. They have a “Survivor Experience” page which is not about real survivors, but people who have lost someone! What shocked me absolutely was the forum post from a person who said that her sister had attempted suicide, yet the administrator, 'Hazel', said “Unfortunately, this forum is designed to support those who have lost someone to suicide. Many in our community are severely traumatised and not in a position to support, or give advice to those struggling with suicidal ideation. ” Excuse me?? This website is USELESS for too many people! It describes themselves WRONG – they are not survivors; they are grievers!

I am a survivor!

Do I regret not dying? No. Yes. I don't know. Do I feel great alive? I don't know! I am a survivor, but too many people don't even recognise that.

Music is my best life. What else is there?

 

NDIS still??

 Back in October 2015 I went to an NDIS meeting at Synapse. I blogged this in Whacksworks titled What will NDIS do for us? Have a read of that one. I don't think my questions were or will be answered.

I went to a second meeting at the City Council building soon after that, which was attended primarily by disabled people. It was supposed to give us a warm intro into NDIS but I think I already knew much about it. And I still didn't think it would work.

Over the next year I saw too many articles which said that disabled people had been broken down with their sincere effort trying to get in. On 1 July 2013 the Tasmania government signed up for a 3-year trial in 2013, and on 11 December 2015, not even 3 years, signed on to the “real” NDIS. It has causes headaches. One was the family of a 13 year old boy who has dystonic quadriplegic cerebral palsy. He wasn't eligible from July 2016, but his family has fought NDIS to get him listed. Another was the family of a 26 year old woman with autism and non-verbal. So far, after too many “plans”, they still haven't been able to get her registered.

In August 2015 in WA, the WA Today said that their own model should be supported, rather than the national scheme which “continues to face criticism”.

CEO of Nulsen, Gordon Trewern, said: “We've still got problems with the NDIS Commonwealth model. There is still a key issue around pricing. The funding is still 27 to 30 per cent below what it needs to be to run a service for five people in a group home.”

Natalie Thompson, who cares for her 16 year old son, told the Joint Standing Committee on the National Disability Insurance Scheme: “We did have funding through the old system, which worked great, and he was doing really well for a couple of years under the old system. When we went over to NDIS, that all changed. They cut our funding dramatically as well.”

In December 2016, nothing had changed. One mother from Perth said: “There's ... less money handed out. Because I self-manage our funds I'm given a limit of $25 per hour to pay for support workers, which often means going for unqualified workers.” Her son is deaf, and relies on cochlear implants to access sounds. That, unfortunately, has “convinced” the Disability Insurance Commission that he's not deaf! 

On 16 April 2016 the Australian wrote a long federal article titled Monster that ate the National Disability Insurance Scheme, and said: “From today’s vantage point, the medley of early mistakes have matured into a scheme that is riddled with access issues, slow planning turnarounds and questions about future design that will have huge effects on its financial sustainability. The pace at which the NDIS must grow is about to jump astronomically: the agency says it will need to make 12,000 decisions a month for the next two years.” This is worth reading if you believe that the NDIS has problems.

In 2015 the Sydney Morning Herald wrote various articles about NDIS, including the concerns shown throughout NSW which raised “ many questions [which] remain about the future of disability services in NSW.” They wrote that: “There are about 400,000 people with a disability in NSW, with up to 240,000 having a high degree of disability, according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics. With 140,000 people expected to be eligible for the NDIS, what will happen to the other 260,000 people? Where will they get support?” 

In December 2015 the SMH wrote that disability groups had “an alarming lack of confidence in the NDIS roll out ahead of the full transition to the $22 billion scheme which will launch across the country next year.” 

Qld doesn't seem to have had articles yet, because this state isn't fully opened for NDIS until 2019. So far there are a few people who have registered: certainly not enough.

This year, in March, the ABC reported problems. It's title said National Disability Insurance Scheme rollout plagued with problems, FOI documents reveal. Much information was revealed in those documents, including the facts that NDIS “stopped processing thousands of applications from service providers, critical staff were untrained and properties were not ready when the scheme's nationwide rollout began.” Back at the first meeting which I attended (Synapse, October 2015), I had asked how the shifting of “critical staff” worked. We got ignorant replies, and we had nothing in writing to show how it would work. Recently I searched Google for organisations which would help disabled people through NDIS. Many are not listed. ABC said this year that “[b]etween 3,000 and 4,000 businesses and not-for-profit providers were blocked from entering the scheme because applications could not be transferred to a new IT system.” It is very scary to both those providers and to the disabled people who have previously used them – can they still use them?

Federal minister, Christian Porter, didn't answer questions from ABC. He sent them on to NDIA to speak to NDIA spokesperson Maryanne Diamond. There has been no real responses from her which would have answer my questions.

The NDIS website has a list of how the disabled person might be able to register as a participant. It lists the access requirements and discusses how a disabled person could get

help. It says that you have to produce proof of your disability. The scheme is not due to be fully opened in Qld until 2019, but has different dates until then – for instance, the Logan area where I live will be available from 1 July 2018.

For the NDIS, I still have a lot of questions – and I'm sure I will have problems. I had a stroke 3 years ago, I am on DSP and I have aphasia which kicks in when I am tired (constantly) or upset (too often). I'm told I can only work 8 hours a week for now. Would NDIS pay DSP? Would they rearrange my hours so they can kick me off their scheme – less money in Newstart? If the people who have already met with problems, are they worse disabled than me? If so, why were they declined?

NDIS needs to work a lot better to fix their own problems, but they also need to definitely answer the questions that any disabled person, any family supporters, any friends, any carers or anyone involved with supporting disabled people still are asking.

When will they fix that?

Anxiety, Stress, Depression, PTSD, Stroke, Suicide – what's the difference?

My life changed completely in the last five years. I remember it. I wrote this blog today to record everything that has happened to me.  Oh I know, most people don't remember everything, or don't write about everything. I don't and I haven't, but this is still a long blog. You're welcome to read on.

My grandchildren had been living in Brisbane since 2010. In early 2012 they were taken back to New Zealand without me being told. I stressed over that. I felt my life starting to go downhill. The government's Heath Direct page says that “[e]xperiencing stress is part of being alive.” Later that year my husband chose to go to NZ for Christmas with his family. I had a severe depression breakdown. According to Beyond Blue, depression “is more than just a low mood – it's a serious condition that affects your physical and mental health.” I went to a psychologist, a very good person. At the start of 2013 my husband left me. No reason, he just chose to. More depression breakdown. I was heading into a mental problem. 

In July 2013 I'd already been with my employer for seven years and had got a deserved large pay increase (I had got my GradDip OHS). Two days later I got my brain aneurysm diagnosis. According to the government Health Direct website, anxiety “is the most common mental health disorder that can affect ability to concentrate, sleep and carry out ordinary tasks.” The diagnosis of my brain aneurysm lead to anxiety and stress. In August I went to an angiogram where the neurosurgeon found a second brain aneurysm, and at the beginning of September I was fired. Why did my employer fire me? Very obvious, for me: I was severely depressed. I fought them until I went into hospital in April 2014 for the brain aneurysm surgery.

That day, under anaesthetic, my heart stopped. When they got it starting again, I had a stroke. Stroke Foundation says that a stroke “happens when blood supply to the brain is interrupted.” I was placed for 6.5 weeks in BIRU (Brain Injury Rehabilitation Unit). I had aphasia. There is a USA site, Aphasia Org, an Australian website, the Australian Aphasia Rehabilitation Pathway, and a couple of others which include information, such as the Stroke Foundation. I still couldn't talk when I got out, but I had a person from ABIOS (Acquired Brain Injury Outreach Service), a government health department, who came with me to Centrelink and spoke on behalf of me. I ended up on DSP (Disabled Support Pension), half from Australia and half from NZ.

Later that year I moved up to Woody Point to be closer to my daughter. I had help from CBRT (Community-based Rehabilitation Team) team, and went to another psychologist. The house where I lived, unfortunately, was bad. An old house, which could have been lovely, but had never been done up. I had anxiety, so I left that six months later and found a lovely house in Scarborough. 

Sometime around November 2014 I was placed with a mentor. She and I spoke about PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I knew I suffered. Her husband was a veteran from the Army, and he was also suffering from PTSD. Beyond Blue says there are four main types of difficulties. I am affected by the fourth one: “The person loses interest in day-to-day activities, feels cut off and detached from friends and family, or feels emotionally flat and numb.” My suffering is from an event a very long time ago, but it has taken over my brain since my 2012 breakdown.

In May 2015 I went to the QIRC (Queensland Industrial Relations Commission) case against Q-Comp and my ex-employer. I hadn't counted on handled that under my aphasia from my stroke, but the solicitor who had accepted in before I went into hospital walked away from me while I was in BIRU. I had to work this myself, with immense help from a wonderful friend. It was exactly 2 years after my surgery, 22 April 2016, when I finally got the decision. Even though the judge wrote a lot in my favour, he gave the decision to Q-Comp. The current law cut me out. If I had been in court in NSW – or anywhere else in this country - I would have won. I fell into another deep depression, and felt I had to move because I was paying too much rent. I went up to Noosa for 3 months, and then moved down to a retirement village in Bethania in June 2016. It was cheaper in rent than I had paid in Scarborough, but they also charged me $100 weekly for food and made me eat in their dining room.

My dog, Jordie, was definitely with me. I had spoken to the site manager, “T”, before I moved down there, and she knew about it, she had agreed to it, and Jordie was included in my lease and signed off by the property manager, “L”. Four and a half months later I chose to stop paying the $100 week on top of my rent, which was – I thought – for food. No contract for it, so I could just give it up and prepare my own. “T” turned extremely vicious against me, and “L” kicked Jordie out because she was “too big”, stressing me far too much. So why did she even sign Jordie onto the lease??

Within a month, that went downhill to depression severely for me, until I spent my days shut inside my unit, not talking to anyone who lived there who seemed to support what “T” had done. I went to look at other properties – not retirement villages by now – and had signed up for one not far from Bethania. That same day “T” came to issue me the notice that I was being kicked out. She had police with her, but I – much later – didn't find out that what she was doing was illegal. I went to the bottom of my depression; I could no longer deal with it.

That night I attempted suicide. There are a few websites which cover people who reach this end. These include Health Direct, Beyond Blue, Reach Out, Black Dog, LifeLine and others. I didn't look at their websites before I attempted suicide. I overdosed on a chemist-issued drug. I took somewhere between 40 and 60 of them. I just wanted to die. I felt sleepy. I wrote a message to my daughter and asked her to come and get Jordie. She contacted my friend (who had been to QIRC with me) who rang me and kept me awake, and one of them rang the ambulance. I was taken to Loganlea hospital and monitored that night and the next morning. I was spoken to by teams from the Acute team (they came, a few days later, to visit me when I was staying at a friend's home to find out how I was doing). I was released around 1pm on the Wednesday.

The night before that, when my daughter had gone to pick up Jordie, she had spoken to “T” who showed she was completely uninterested in me, or in what I had done or where I was. On the Wednesday, when I got back to my unit, I found out I had been locked out. “T” had arranged for the locks be changed. She dropped my car keys onto the outside table and said I couldn't get inside. I lost my language (aphasia from my stroke), I couldn't talk, I couldn't think. I just sat there for a while, no person around, slipping back into my depression. Eventually I got into my car and drove up to my daughter's home, where I saw Jordie again. My daughter that day bought me some undies and bras and gave me some of her old clothes so I had something else to wear. I took Jordie down to the home of the other friend who had babysat both of my dogs while I was in BIRU. I was now homeless, but she had offered us a short-term home while I spent much time in the next few days talking to RTA, Tenants Qld, YFS and the government department in Logan. I know I spoke to many others, but I can't remember them.

One person at one of those places told me that she had previously had other complaints against “T” and “L”, and that what they had done was illegal. I was given the tenants law where she had highlighted everything that affected me. My daughter wrote a long email to them telling them what parts of the law they had broken. I went into the Beenleigh court and lodged a QCAT matter against them. Because of my depression, I ended up back at a psychologist, this one in Waterford, a good one.

We've talked a lot about my past and my present. I told him about what I had suffered from – stroke, anxiety, stress, depression, PTSD and attempted suicide. I don't know too many other people who have suffered as much as I have, but I do know other people, other friends, who committed suicide. They didn't inspire me to try, but what they were going through was similar to what I was going through. Suicide is like the last stage when you suffer. When you try it, when you succeed, you leave everything which caused your turmoil and led to your anxiety, stress, depression and PTSD. One of those friends had a stroke which had led to depression. Another one had a long illness which was leading to asbestosis; that had caused him severe depression. I didn't succeed at my suicide attempt. Now, I am often thinking about it. Would I try again? I just don't know.

My QCAT case has now been heard 3 times, very stressful. Three times that “L” couldn't present whatever she is arguing. I can fight whatever she is arguing, yet I have so far had 3 different judges. The case now ends up on the day that “L” was given, two months later this year. I know I will win it, but I now have to acknowledge the fact that my depression comes very quickly to me, because I don't end up with a decent – real - future. RTA have investigated my complaints and many other complaints from other people against the same person, “L”. That is not involved with my QCAT case: why not?

After the QCAT case, I met up with my ex-husband who had brought the divorce papers over. I read through them and found mistakes. I was written as “unemployed”. Really?? I am “disabled”. He has to change that. I reminded him about the separation agreement that we both signed back in February 2013, which he'd “forgotten” about. I want him to pay me. Anxiety? Oh yes, that I don't think he can... or will.

What can I blame? What do I blame? Losing my grandchildren? Losing my ex-husband? Losing my job from the brain aneurysm diagnosis? Losing myself from the stroke? Losing “old” friends? Anxiety? Stress? Depression? PTSD? What do I blame???

I am involved now with Stroke Foundation, Suicide Prevention Australia, Synapse, Brain Research, Brain Aneurysm Research (USA) and others, yet they're not my “real” supporters. Most people who have depression, or had brain aneurysms, or had a stroke, or attempted or committed suicide may have felt the same way that I felt, although from a different reason.

This blog post is about me. My five years of hell. If you care for your family, your partner, your friend, your workmate, but if you don't understand whatever the reason is for what they are suffering, you must find out about whatever they are feeling and help them. Because if you can't help them, they might commit their last stage.

Then there won't be any more effects on them... they'll be dead.