No longer loving "life"

At my age I have given up my love of my life. Why? Because I'm sick of having to always been "someone" who means "something" to others, when very few people choose me because I no longer mean "something" to anyone. A few years ago I got married (second time) and loved it - loved my life, loved my husband, loved moving to Australia, loved my work. Last year I got struck with the down-stuff just for my life. My husband (ex?) decided he preferred New Zealand, my brain aneurysm was found, my job was lost. This year I went to hospital for my surgery and ended up with a stroke. So here am I.

A few months after leaving hospital (locked in there for 6.5 weeks - did I tell anyone that??) I moved to Woody Point. I love the beach here, but I don't know anyone. Not socially. I was helped at CBRT for a few months - which I didn't realise, until the day I was told, that this was a short term engagement for me, thanks to the government. Taking something like that away from someone who is new here, or who has a new future (nothing repeating after your surgery and stroke) is so unfair.

Just like losing your husband/wife/partner.

Just like losing your employment.

Just losing most of your friends who don't live in this area.

I met and joined a stroke group, a STEPs group, a Heart Care group at a gym which I joined, I met so many people who seemed to be so good - but I don't know any of them. I have problems with my memory. Why is that, that no-one seems to understand it?

 I Googled for pictures for this blog. I found this, about crying - and not needing to. I do so much as this picture - I tried to hold my tears when I am out, but they can get out when I am home. My beautiful dogs know when I am crying and will come to me to support me. I live for them, because they don't do anything they don't need to ask me for. Sounds funny. But it's not.

I have told myself that I am just plainly not happy with the christmas general time, including shopping, carols, meals, friends, family dah de dah. That seems to have an ironic reek to how I felt about christmas the last 2-3 (or many more) years, because of how my own family treated me. I don't feel too loved. Sad, but true.

This time I am down. After TEDxSB last weekend I felt down. Actually, before that I felt down, because this is my 3rd year but I wasn't helping this year. Not my cuppa. I left and went home at the end of the day, felt I had done too much to take in, have felt even lower than before that. Is there any stuff to take me UP??

After christmas might be my positive place, where I'll be. I have another CT on my second aneurysm, I have a QIRC court case in February (no thanks to the lawyer who dropped me way back at the hospital), but I can't work, yet. Will I? Ever?

I'm 58. That's not just "middle age". It is past "middle age" for most people - in the world. If my life is

actually over, it sounds great. But if I live on I have to live with myself, no one who will help me, no one who might look after me if I get worse. I am not Australian, even though I have lived here for 9.5 years. This whole management of population funds is what's bringing the whole world down, and doing a damned good job in Aus.I found this picture on Google also today. It means much to me. Friendless. Destitute. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. I'm addicted. I just feel that I had a wonderful childhood, which I lost when I "grew up". Long before rapists grew up. I am still recovering from it, after 40 years.

So I am waiting for "after christmas", for my positive place.

Enjoy your own christmas.